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A different kind of posting…

"Light at the End of Cloud Trails"

“Light at the End of Cloud Trails”

Well, I have not posted much in the last year. And, when I did, it has been sporadic. I have been battling issues on many fronts. I am trying to keep myself from sinking.  Some days I dip deep into the murky water and other days, I fly high into the beautiful clouds and sunshine.

My heart is sad.

I have tried so terribly hard to post only positive things and good, loving images…to inspire others not to give up. And now…my heart is bleeding and I am unable to do it. So my posts have become less and less.

I do NOT consider myself anywhere near sainthood. I have made many mistakes over my lifetime and each time, I try to pick myself up and “never give up”—a poem I found when I was a senior in high school spoke these words to me:”Never give up..Give it one more try”……and so that has been my motto for many, many moons.

But some days it is such a great struggle.

My last piece, “Listen…and walk in Everlasting Shoe,”  was a call to MY own inner spirit to wake up and be there for others.

Then a few people attacked me, accusing me of thinking I am better than others.  Well, to that I say, hell no…that is precisely the problem I have—I think and feel I am worse than most—and so I write those words to wake myself up and to be aware of what others are suffering.

I became a teacher many years ago. I had watched the movie, a script fashioned after James Hilton’s novel, Goodbye Mr. Chips. I said to myself, “That is the kind of teacher I want to be!”  And, much to the consternation of my parents, I pursued the teaching career. I taught for 36 years—–and then, the Republicans came into power. A long story and I am sure many would argue I got what I deserved—I had no right to be creative and treat the students like people—they were “clients” afterall.   I am a person who is very hard on herself.  I literally give 100% to something I pursue—and that was my weakness—because I was beaten on every level—for seven years.  In the end, I lost 18 inches of my large intestine and had to resign. My friends told me, “Jane, resign or you will be killed.”  I took their advice and resigned. And since then, I have been struggling greatly in trying to find myself and to find a purpose for my life. It has been quite difficult. I see so much suffering everywhere…and I do not know what I have to offer…because no one seems to want it.  I planned in my idealized vision, to teach until I dropped…and then, to come to such an abrupt and brutal ending, it was more than I could take…and I hadn’t planned for it. So, I was lost and I still am.

There have been other personal issues which have taken me to the brink of disaster. In an effort to protect the innocent, I shall not write about them.

Sometimes I wonder, “Why is there so much suffering?”  “Why do people not trust each other?  “Why is there so much loneliness in our world?”  “Why do people not care anymore?”

I still do not know the answer.

Yes, there are the people who do good for others…there are people who get awards for this or that…but then I see the thousands of homeless throughout our cities…the thousands of people in homes who are as isolated as those on the streets.  I wonder, WHY?  I read that the suicide rate for elderly people living in the countryside is an all time high. I read that now people between the ages of 30 and 59 are committing suicide at an alarming rate. Everyday, I read about another “murder-suicide”—–either between a couple, or, yet worse, between a couple and their children—all end up killed.  What is happening to our world?

I do not know the answers.

I question myself constantly about what I can do personally to make this world better.  Some times I can go in spurts and give my best and write uplifting things.  Lately, I feel so much pain inside of myself, that I cannot find the strength to write about goodness.  I feel I have failed my friends.  I am sorry.  I am doing my best.

I am so grateful for WordPress and the people on here. Even when the despair surrounds me, and there is darkness all around me,  something pulls me back to WordPress. And I begin reading the works of others—-and I see how much their words and reflections help me to go on.  To all of you, I say THANK YOU!  Never think that your words are worthless or meaningless—you have all touched me along the path of life—your words! You do have purpose and you have helped me continue…

Thank you!

 

 

36 thoughts on “A different kind of posting…”

  1. nataliescarberry says:
    February 12, 2016 at 10:04 PM

    I am so sorry that you have been facing difficult times. I pray that the Lord would provide comfort and answers to your questions. As for those who would attack you about anything, I would drop them off my list of followers immediately. There’s no excuse for that. You have every right to express yourself and use your voice for good, and if others don’t like it then they should not CHOOSE to follow you or read your posts. Please know that I appreciate you and wish you success and happiness in whatever you do. Huge hugs and love, Natalie 🙂 ❤

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    • johannisthinking@wordpresss.com says:
      February 13, 2016 at 9:27 AM

      dear Natalie~
      thank you for your prayerful blessings…much appreciated! I guess I was overly sensitive last evening but I am moving forward today with all of your kind thoughts, suggestion and love! I have to look out towards the light and do what I can to help myself and others. Thank you, Natalie! Hugs and love to you, also!

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  2. Princess Aurora says:
    February 13, 2016 at 3:00 AM

    It’s good to hear you again. People can do do much damage. I’m so sorry you had to leave your career behind. That sounds very unjust to me. Could you get into volunteering? To give you a sense of purpose again.
    Thank you! For your strength in your posts.

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    • johannisthinking@wordpresss.com says:
      February 13, 2016 at 9:24 AM

      Thank you…I am looking for things–possibility of online teaching of English to students in China. My daughter clued me in on that! So now I am going to check it out today! There are many and were many teachers who have suffered in Wisconsin. Many treated unjustly by the Administration—I had a lot of company, unfortunately. The teaching field is not an easy one to speak about because it involves blowing one’s own horn. It is you and the kids. Many times things cannot be said out of being in that position. There is also a great deal of fear–people are afraid to stand up for one another, because they could be the next person on the chopping block. I have felt it and seen it in my former district where I taught. False propaganda is circulated by the Administration to the local papers–when, in fact, teachers either do not respond to the overall assessment of the district or do not respond honestly, for fear of retribution and loss of employment since the surveys could be traced back to their computers. Wisconsin schools have taken a beating and teachers in Wisconsin have as well. I also think Gov. Walker’s destruction of the Teachers’ Union was a gender issue–the majority of teachers in the state are women. It is the unspoken topic. Parents do not really know what is going on in the districts and I think some do not want to know. Standardized testing is another can of worms. Children are over-tested and the hours spent on testing could be used for instruction, given we only have on average 39 weeks of instruction and 8 of those weeks are now used for testing, in which teachers are mandated NOT to give any new material or homework to the students during the testing weeks. Thank you for reading my lamentation—it just was a difficult night and I let my emotions carry me into my writing. Thank you for your suggestions and encouraging words!

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  3. David Kanigan says:
    February 13, 2016 at 4:25 AM

    Wonderful post. May you bask in some light

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  4. Paul F. Lenzi says:
    February 13, 2016 at 4:44 AM

    and we appreciate your writings, as well – you are a valued member of this community – I shall keep you in my prayers

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  5. Jan Stewart says:
    February 13, 2016 at 7:26 AM

    Jane, you were there for me not too long ago when I needed you. I didn’t ask you, you knew I needed help & you were there. It’s the kind of thing that you’re Very Good at. I believe that we are all interconnected & you epitomize that. The person who verbally lashed out at you has a different take on life & perhaps at that moment also felt bad about themselves. We can’t help everyone – in part because not everyone wants our help. There are reasons why we take the paths that we do. You are a beautiful woman with great talent and a need to express yourself. We all benefit. Thank you. Jan

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    • johannisthinking@wordpresss.com says:
      February 13, 2016 at 9:30 AM

      Jan, you are too kind for words! You have lifted me up considerably with what you have written! Yes, you are right—people who are hurting tend to lash out…and I know I have done it myself in my lifetime on more than one occasion! LOL So I just have to soldier up and move on. And not give up! Your words are a great encouragement to me! Thank you!

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  6. Mari Gabrielson says:
    February 13, 2016 at 1:26 PM

    Dearest Friend, Jane: You have so much love, goodness, creativity in your being. Surely there must be some venue in which you would find joy and comfort. You know that you are needed at Unity. And, you are missed at Unity. It is my hope and prayer that you will come home to us.
    Fondly, Rev. Mari G

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    • johannisthinking@wordpresss.com says:
      February 14, 2016 at 7:21 AM

      dear Mari~
      I wrote you an email…March is soon here and then I will see you. I haven’t been well…on many levels…since my return. But I am working my way up to participation again!
      Thank you for your very kind concern and making me feel I am needed.
      Jane

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  7. Robert A. Vella says:
    February 13, 2016 at 4:11 PM

    You have not failed your friends. You’ve simply been true to yourself and that’s all anyone can ask.

    I’m struggling with many of the same issues you are experiencing. It’s tough. The world is spiraling out of control and there seems nothing we do as individuals can make any difference. But, that too is a fallacy. Humanity will succeed or fail from the sum total of individual acts. It is our duty as individuals to act as best we can and hope that it inspires others to do the same. The world doesn’t rest on your shoulders, nor mine alone. It rests on all our collective shoulders.

    Best wishes, and keep your chin up! 🙂

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    • johannisthinking@wordpresss.com says:
      February 14, 2016 at 7:33 AM

      Good Morning, Robert~
      thank you for your very poignant words! You are right—we all need to help each other and work together. I think I need to copy your words: “You’ve simply been true to yourself and that’s all anyone can ask” and hang it on my refrig! or maybe I need to take out my calligraphy pen and frame it and hang it on my wall…You are absolutely correct! Thank you! Thank you for sharing your strength with me…and I hope you know I wish you all the best in all that you are experiencing and living. Yes, we do need each other. I have been deeply touched by the support and care everyone has showered upon me. And I do feel a bit ridiculous–the morning after I posted my heart, I thought to myself, “Oh God, Jane, get a grip…enough of the self-pity!” And I also thought, “Did I post that?” I was a bit embarrassed but I think all of the affirming messages have warmed my soul and all the words of encouragement and care I have received, encourages me to offer the same to others. Thank you! Thank you for urging me on…and, yes, I will keep my ‘chin up!”
      Jane

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  8. Eliza Waters says:
    February 13, 2016 at 9:12 PM

    I am sorry to hear of your struggles, Jane. Sometimes it feels like we are being tested in some way. Know this, you a spark of God energy, worthy of anything you set your mind to. Stay away from mainstream media, it is not healthy and doesn’t truly represent the truth of the good in people. 90% is good and 10% bad and yet that’s all they will tell you about – the bad. Forgeddaboutit!
    I, too, love WP! There are so many wonderful folk here, I spend a good part of my day filling up on wisdom, spiritual reading, humor and of course, gardening! Nature also gives me peace, solitude and renewal. Press on, friend. Reach out to any of us anytime!

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  9. clarabetty says:
    February 13, 2016 at 11:50 PM

    I read your very honest post late last night and was too tired to say all I wanted so sent prayers to the Father that He would Encourage you as you have encouraged me and others and I can see that He has. As for the pity party, we all have them…I had a real doozy a couple weeks ago. I just didn’t share it with the world -you are much more honest and I’m sure it helped a lot of people – I know it did me to see that we are all just human, trying to do our best and failing and falling many times,but the main thing is to get up again…and again…and you have. And you will continue to. The reason you hurt so much is that you feel so passionately about things and want to do something-you\ we need to remember that we are only one person and can’t do everything and not be so hard on ourselves. Forgive ourselves when we are less than our best-less than our hopes and dreams and wonder why we are here and just believe there is a reason for us to be here even if we don’t know exactly what it is. I think you can see one of your purposes is to be on WordPress and encourage and teach-your teaching days are not over.. There are many ways to teach and I thank you for all that you have taught me thru your honesty, ,vulnerbility,(sp), courage, passion, perseverance and example of overcoming. ,

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    • johannisthinking@wordpresss.com says:
      February 14, 2016 at 6:31 AM

      dear Miss Betty~
      Your heartfelt words have encouraged me so much! You know—I hadn’t seen this—and yesterday I was on Skype, hoping to catch my grandchildren (where most of my sorrow is stemming from…now their Dad won’t allow me to see them…heart-breaking) and I Skyped you and was going to check up on you AND here YOU are checking up on me! And writing such encouraging words to me! THANK YOU so much, Miss Betty! After I posted my gut-wrenching feelings, the next day I felt, “Oh, my God, what did I write! Maybe I should remove it!” Yes, I bared my soul. Thank you for affirming to me that it was okay to post. I will come back to this posting and read your words to encourage myself when I feel like it is so dark in my world. Thank YOU so much! Love and hugs to you! Jane

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  10. Judy @ NewEnglandGardenAndThread says:
    February 14, 2016 at 12:00 PM

    Visiting from Eliza, and this post could probably be applicable to a lot of retired folks. Life is always so full, sometimes overflowing, when you are in your 40-55’s. Then it starts to shift and when you retire and take the 9-5 out of it, there’s a lot of time to fill and some days it seems pretty mundane. I only know what works for me and that is I garden in the summer, quilt in the winter, walk inside or outside every day, and listen to music when there’s too much chatter in my head. You’re not alone with your struggles, you’re just brave enough to talk about it. I wish you all the best with searching for what works for you. Take good care of yourself. 🙂

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  11. booguloo says:
    March 8, 2016 at 7:50 AM

    I too had to go through a lot of self doubt, loathing and anxiety attacks. PTSD is one of the many other acronyms. Between my psychologist, psychiatrist, two group therapies and drugs has helped me to become a participating member of those around me. Everyone has a different solution for what they deal with. I’m not suggesting that my path is going to help, but I wanted you to know how I have started to address my problems and now have the keys to my cell.
    Michael

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  12. Claremary P. Sweeney says:
    March 11, 2016 at 4:41 PM

    Jane, a career does not define who you are. You can’t fix everything and even when things get “fixed” they tend to break again. The news is overwhelming of r sensitive people. Taking time away from the pain is healthy. Dealing with the immediate around you can be very fulfilling, no matter how insignificant you may feel this to be. So, I think what you are doing with your blog is what you are meant to be doing, because you are a wonderful listener and that is such an important talent. You probably have no idea the good you have accomplished already. Just let your sharing nature lead you and stay open to the opportunities near to you. But first and foremost, take care of yourself. Clare

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