Well, I have not posted much in the last year. And, when I did, it has been sporadic. I have been battling issues on many fronts. I am trying to keep myself from sinking. Some days I dip deep into the murky water and other days, I fly high into the beautiful clouds and sunshine.
My heart is sad.
I have tried so terribly hard to post only positive things and good, loving images…to inspire others not to give up. And now…my heart is bleeding and I am unable to do it. So my posts have become less and less.
I do NOT consider myself anywhere near sainthood. I have made many mistakes over my lifetime and each time, I try to pick myself up and “never give up”—a poem I found when I was a senior in high school spoke these words to me:”Never give up..Give it one more try”……and so that has been my motto for many, many moons.
But some days it is such a great struggle.
My last piece, “Listen…and walk in Everlasting Shoe,” was a call to MY own inner spirit to wake up and be there for others.
Then a few people attacked me, accusing me of thinking I am better than others. Well, to that I say, hell no…that is precisely the problem I have—I think and feel I am worse than most—and so I write those words to wake myself up and to be aware of what others are suffering.
I became a teacher many years ago. I had watched the movie, a script fashioned after James Hilton’s novel, Goodbye Mr. Chips. I said to myself, “That is the kind of teacher I want to be!” And, much to the consternation of my parents, I pursued the teaching career. I taught for 36 years—–and then, the Republicans came into power. A long story and I am sure many would argue I got what I deserved—I had no right to be creative and treat the students like people—they were “clients” afterall. I am a person who is very hard on herself. I literally give 100% to something I pursue—and that was my weakness—because I was beaten on every level—for seven years. In the end, I lost 18 inches of my large intestine and had to resign. My friends told me, “Jane, resign or you will be killed.” I took their advice and resigned. And since then, I have been struggling greatly in trying to find myself and to find a purpose for my life. It has been quite difficult. I see so much suffering everywhere…and I do not know what I have to offer…because no one seems to want it. I planned in my idealized vision, to teach until I dropped…and then, to come to such an abrupt and brutal ending, it was more than I could take…and I hadn’t planned for it. So, I was lost and I still am.
There have been other personal issues which have taken me to the brink of disaster. In an effort to protect the innocent, I shall not write about them.
Sometimes I wonder, “Why is there so much suffering?” “Why do people not trust each other? “Why is there so much loneliness in our world?” “Why do people not care anymore?”
I still do not know the answer.
Yes, there are the people who do good for others…there are people who get awards for this or that…but then I see the thousands of homeless throughout our cities…the thousands of people in homes who are as isolated as those on the streets. I wonder, WHY? I read that the suicide rate for elderly people living in the countryside is an all time high. I read that now people between the ages of 30 and 59 are committing suicide at an alarming rate. Everyday, I read about another “murder-suicide”—–either between a couple, or, yet worse, between a couple and their children—all end up killed. What is happening to our world?
I do not know the answers.
I question myself constantly about what I can do personally to make this world better. Some times I can go in spurts and give my best and write uplifting things. Lately, I feel so much pain inside of myself, that I cannot find the strength to write about goodness. I feel I have failed my friends. I am sorry. I am doing my best.
I am so grateful for WordPress and the people on here. Even when the despair surrounds me, and there is darkness all around me, something pulls me back to WordPress. And I begin reading the works of others—-and I see how much their words and reflections help me to go on. To all of you, I say THANK YOU! Never think that your words are worthless or meaningless—you have all touched me along the path of life—your words! You do have purpose and you have helped me continue…