Maybe only God can do this…

You hear

the whisper

behind my words

The words

that cannot be spoken

but need to be heard

You listen

to the silence

of my heart

The cries…the struggle…

the pains…

all the intricate parts…

Alberta, Canada "Dawn Breaking" Photo Credit: Jane Johann c.2013

Alberta, Canada “Dawn Breaking” Photo Credit: Jane Johann c.2013

tears fill my being

life within is struggling

for breath

confusion and rejection

felt so strong

traveling to the ocean depth

logic took a vacation

emotions take over

without defeat

but something holds me strong

LOVE is there

and so it is YOU I meet

 

 

Copyright © Notice
The short stories, the musings, the photography  or images(except where otherwise noted), the paintings and the poetry are my original work. These texts are protected under International Copyright ©laws.  Whenever any image or writing is created or written by another individual, proper credit is given to that individual if known. Every effort is made to give credit where credit is due.   All rights are reserved by the owner (author).Reblogs on WordPress are permitted as long as proper credit and links are provided to this site.  None of my writings, paintings or postings should be downloaded, reproduced, copied, projected or used in any manner without written permission of the owner (author).Thank you for respecting the intellectual property rights. I appreciate your integrity and hope you will respect mine. Thank you! 
Jane H. Johann      October, 2011           ©2011-2020 Jane H. Johann. All Rights Reserved.
Disclaimer Notice:     This blog contains works of fiction/nonfiction. Names, characters, businesses,places, events and incident are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental, unless otherwise noted.

 

 

 

 

an unexpected gift…

An unexpected gift greeted me this morning…

a Monarch butterfly winged a visit

to the purposefully planted milkweed plant

growing among the perennials…

gently floating in the air,

giving hope and promise

to the day…

and to the survival of the MONARCH

Milkweed Plant Photo Credit: Jane Johann c.August, 2015

Milkweed Plant
Photo Credit: Jane Johann c.August, 2015

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

HELP SAVE the MONARCH…Plant Milkweed each Spring in your garden!

Readings to explore regarding the survival of the Monarch:

Milkweed Is Essential for Monarch Butterflies’ Survival articles.mercola.com/…/2014/05/19/monarch-butterflymilkweed.aspx May 19, 2014 · The monarch butterfly is about to go extinct, as genetically engineered crops and agricultural chemicals have largely eliminated the perennial milkweed

Monarch Butterfly Survival Kit by Monarch Butterflies …https://http://www.kickstarter.com/…/monarch-butterfly-survival-kit . Monarch Butterflies Help is raising funds for Monarch Butterfly Survival Kit on Kickstarter! Feed Monarch Butterflies & Help Them Survive! Get your ownMonarch

40 Years Ago the World ‘Discovered’ Mexico’s Monarchhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/homero-aridjis/mexico-monarch-survival_b…Jan 20, 2015 · 40 Years Ago the World ‘Discovered’ Mexico’s Monarch Habitat — Today Its Survival Is at Stake

quietly she would go about her day…

Dedicated to Mary Mitty

 

quietly she would go about her day

rising early to greet the sun

all things in order on her dresser

bills to pay…love to stay

cards that came and then put away

smiles always ready come what may

*

morning cup of joe

no caffeine but tasty enough

breakfast was a warm up time

strawberry oatmeal the winter go

sausage and eggs another show

encouraging everyone to grow

*

children would give their requests

warm hearts together grew

and there she was

preparing and giving her best

the Eagles landed in Iowa’s nest

together they watched them grow and rest

*

walks around the circle they went

stories read and stories listened to

drawings of love not too few

so the quiet exchange was spent

love for real and often sent

strength from her was lent

*

Parcheesi  challenge of the day

Ayden loved being king of the game

red, yellow, green and blue

Nadia polite enough to play

patient Mary the peaceful mainstay

and so whiled the evening away

*

Intuitive and clever was her walk

offering insight and common sense

always encouraging with care

gentle was her hand and talk

prompt and steady like the clock

strength of spirit was her inner smock

"Seeking Light" Photo Credit: Ayden M, Krenn. December, 2014

“Seeking Light” Photo Credit: Ayden M, Krenn. December, 2014

 

 

 

Beautiful Butterflies by Nadia Krenn

IMAG5565_2

Beautiful butterflies

Flying with their friends

They are lovely

When they blend

 

Nadia, my granddaughter, is six years old and in Kindergarten.  Last night she said, “Nanny, we have to have a poem for tomorrow! ” She wrote the following poem for my blog and to share with you all!  Please feel free to leave her your comments on her artwork and poem. Thank you!

***********************************************************************************************************

Spring Haiku

 

 

budding forth wonder

soft gently comes into being

affirming promise

"Budding Forth with HOPE and PROMISE" Photo Credit: c. Jane H. Johann, April 30, 2015. Palmyra, WI. USA

“Budding Forth with HOPE and PROMISE”
Photo Credit: c. Jane H. Johann, April 30, 2015. Palmyra, WI. USA

 

 

 

Part I: Lives Lost to Myotonic Dystrophy

Myotonic dystrophy is not a widely known or acknowledged disease.

In the medical history of our family, it seems likely that my grandmother’s brother carried the gene. He died around the age of 28; however, he did not marry and did not have children. Nevertheless, it appears his sister carried the recessive gene. It skipped his sister’s children (one of whom was my Dad) but did manifest itself in five of my eleven siblings, varying in degrees of severity. It also appears to manifest itself in greater severity with each successive offspring that carry the gene. Two of my nephews manifested the disease. Jimmy has already passed away from the disease at age 39. As it has become better understood, and after a personal survey of my own, I have come to discover that there are 16 people among my siblings and first cousins on my father’s side that have the disease. There is NO cure for this disease.

Our family learned of it about thirty years ago, even though my brother and sister each had symptoms of the disease manifested in their early days as children. The disease seems to accelerate around the late twenties of individuals who carry the gene, and it became more obvious in the health condition of my brother, Bill, at the age of 28, and my sister, Barbara, in her 30’s. Bill died at the age of 61 and Barbara died at the age of 63. Considering the advance of the disease in their bodies, it is amazing that they survived as long as they did. Both had strong, independent spirits, which I think gave them an advantage in sustaining their respective lives.

1arobin21My brother and sister did not receive much understanding regarding their disease when they were young children, because no one knew they had it. Their symptoms, unfortunately, were looked upon as being lazy and only interested in staying up late at night. Allow me to clarify.

Both of my siblings, in a family of eleven children, tended to slur their speech and were constantly admonished by my parents, my teachers, my siblings, and myself (regretfully so) to please make the effort to speak more clearly and this was not always communicated in the most kind way. Neither would wake up in time for school, and though we lived one block away, were late almost daily in getting their little feet to carry them up the street. Neither could fall asleep at night and would be awake all hours! Both ate very slowly, and were the recipients of frustration and anger that their eating slowly was just a means of avoiding helping with the dishes! (No automatic dishwasher in our home, though my Dad sold them in his plumbing and heating business.) Both of my parents were industrious people and work was a natural to them. We were of German heritage and to work showed character. Neither Bill nor Barbara could maintain a job for very long, not because they were lazy, as they were often admonished for, but because they lacked the physical strength, which at the time, no one seemed to understand.

Life went on and both suffered needless misunderstandings about their lack of energy and inability to articulate clearly.

My brother, Bill, was about 28 years old when he received an honorable discharge from the Army, and it was indicated he had a muscle disorder, after being in the paratrooper division. They attributed his muscle fatigue to the parachute drops. However, as he continued his medical visits at the VA, it came to light that the muscle weakness was of another origin–myotonic dystrophy. Meanwhile, my sister, Barbara, who was five years older than Bill, also learned that she had the same disease.

When I think of the hurtful remarks both received from so many over a health condition neither could control, it is a guilt not easily removed and a regret I feel badly about. It is has made me more careful about the judgments I lay upon others. Many people suffer from “invisible diseases,” such as depression, chronic fatigue, psychological difficulties as the result of assaults, etc. I think how often we misjudge others…and how it is important “not to judge” but to be compassionate and understanding, for as the saying goes, everyone is suffering from some type of battle, so be compassionate.

This disease is called myotonic, because it attacks the autonomic systems of the body—the nervous system that controls the muscle contractions, the respiratory system, the circulatory system, the digestive system.  For example, my brother and sister had difficulty swallowing their food, hence, they ate more slowly than the rest of us and they had to have a glass of water or milk handy to help the swallowing. The swallowing mechanism did not function optimally for them. The muscles that control the movement of the vocal cords also were affected, hence their difficulty in speaking clearly.

As their disease progressed, they could not swallow their food, and each had to be tube-fed to maintain their lives. Eventually, the muscles in the diaphragm no long functioned, and they each had to be placed on a respirator. So in their final years, speaking was extremely difficult for both my brother and my sister.  Eventually, when my sister accepted the ventilator, she  could not speak at all.  My brother used a machine that would suction out the mucus so he could breathe and say a few words.

10703843_866349380056321_3723739350147140047_n

My sister, Barbara, lingered in the nursing home for two years, on a ventilator and tube-fed. She was on a great deal of pain medication. She weighed about 60 pounds when she died. I was working full time and caring for my Mom in the evenings, who suffered from a stroke and was living with me. During the day, I had home health help for a year and then eventually, my two daughters took turns during the week days to help care for my Mom.  As a result, I could only visit my sister once a week. It was painful and difficult to see her suffer as she did. I did what I could to help her but I have never felt it was enough. I think that is partly why I am writing this piece. So that if there are other people out there in the world whose family members are suffering from this disease, that more understanding and patience is given to those who need it.  I tried bringing her a word processor, but she could not bend her fingers to type. We spent much of the visit time guessing what was being said. I must have caused her great frustration for all the repetition of what she was trying to communicate to me.  I left a notebook for visitors to write in, NOT to check up on who visited or who did not—as I was accused of that very thing—–but so that it would aid in Barbara’s memory and give us a topic to speak about and enhance her memory and that I would have a more clear idea of what she was trying to communicate with me.  Unfortunately, I was not there the day she slipped away. I had visited her two days previous to that, and though she asked me to come that Saturday, I didn’t. I felt much guilt about that for some time now. I did go to her immediately that Sunday morning, when I was phoned and told her condition had worsened, but by the time I had arrived, I felt she was already somewhere else. Her body was cold. I went to the nurse’s station, and they said the doctor couldn’t be called until the evening because it was Sunday. This did NOT give me much comfort.  I returned to her room, and sat with her for another hour and said my goodbye…though I think she was already with God.

I will continue the saga of my brother’s struggle with the disease in another segment.  I am now feeling very overwhelmed.

 

SYMPTOMS of Mytonic Dystrophy:

SOURCE:  http://www.rightdiagnosis.com/m/myotonic_dystrophy/symptoms.htm

REFERENCE MATERIAL concerning Myotonic Dystrophy:

http://www.myotonic.org/

http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/myotonic-dystrophy

Click to access myotonic.pdf

https://www.genome.gov/25521207

Part Three: Dislocated Toe and Adulthood 2

 

Photo Credit;  Jane H. Johann,  Dec. 2014 "Moving On"

Photo Credit; Jane H. Johann, Dec. 2014 “Moving On”

 

OR…The Saga of the Metatarsal and HOPE and PROMISE…

My second metatarsal has just been diagnosed by three different professionals, who each have their own opinion that differs from the other two.  Alas, my toe is in limbo!

The third diagnosis is from an Orthopedic Surgeon and he said something to the effect that the toe is NOT dislocated and that perhaps I damaged some sort of cap on the toe joint, and he could do surgery and go in and clean it up or I could try orthotics. He suggested I purchase a customized orthotic, unlike the manufactured one that I purchased at the suggestion of the Podiatrist.

As a result of three different consultations, I am choosing the customized orthotic and hobbling on through life. I have had several surgeries on both my right and left hands, and I am not readily choosing to have my foot as damaged as they now are.

I think underlying the entire toe issue, is my inability to have a VOICE in life to the extent that I did previous to my “retirement”–I dislike the word, “retirement” immensely. I cannot seem to dig myself out of my present circumstances. When I do venture out into the world, I am very sensitive to the reactions of those around me and those who respond to me or to those who choose not to respond to me. I read what is happening in the world–the disregard for human life, the destruction of civilizations, the killing of cultures, the disregard for compassion–I am so incredibly saddened and dismayed.  I am trying with all of my might to hold on to hope and promise!

Human beings matter! Children matter! Each person matters! and I feel so helpless.

I argue with myself about what to post on my blog—should I expose more of the struggles we all seem to be facing these days? Or, should I post happy things and poems of hope and promise. On the one hand, I feel people need to be aware of what is happening and hope that my words may cause a small ripple of change; on the other hand, I am sure everyone is aware of all the horror we experience in our lives these days.  So then I think, I should offer some  lightness and hope…and another day of promise!  Thus, when I write happy, funny poems or things distant from reality, it is because I want to put my mind and the minds of others into an arena of hope and promise.  That is all I can offer at this point and I am sorry to all of my readers for failing to see this earlier as what I need to do on this blog. That being said, forgive me if I fall back and lament every once in awhile!

10959370_874684022552539_5363602217544825363_n

Part Two: Dislocated Toe and Adulthood Two!

Continuation…from Part One: Dislocated Toe and Adulthood Two

Sitting in the comfort of my living room, the steam began to build within. Then I thought to myself, “Why did I go to that Foot Doctor in the first place? Oh yes, my physician referred him to me, after I told her about my toe.”

Thus, I sent a letter off to her and explained that I was not yet dead and very perturbed that the Podiatrist did nothing more for me than I already had done and WHY wasn’t the dislocated toe addressed and WHY did she send me to a podiatrist and not an orthopedic surgeon for footcare?  In addition to that, I expressed my utter dismay that just because I had gray hair and was 65, there were no healthier expectations for me!

I was so annoyed with the health system and more so, with myself, that once again I did not stand up for myself! I had to take my concerns on paper to someone and now I was waiting for the reply.

Within five minutes, I had a referral to a orthopedic surgeon. Tomorrow, I will have my appointment.

Meanwhile, my dear friend had her hip replaced a week ago. The surgery has been very successful so far. The incision was made on the anterior side, with the hope of a more successful outcome, not having to cut muscle tissue. The ball and stem replacement is made of an improved material, in which the bone actually grows to the metal implant. Whereas my 69 year old friend is not engaging in doing the splits, she was walking within three hours post surgery!

However, (you did know that was coming?!)–we did have to go to physical therapy. Again the GREY HAIRED STIGMA arose!

We entered the room, and a six foot tall, middle-aged man greeted her.  He was impressed with her walking already so well . Then he said, “Well, I do not imagine you are planning on traveling, or hiking.”

To which my friend responded, “Well, I have hiked in the past.”

He brushed past that statement and went on to emphasize again, “Then you do not plan on hiking now or any time soon. And obviously, no big travel plans.”

My interior adrenalin was rising!

At this point I interjected, “Well, yes, we plan to walk Europe!” (Though I have no idea where I would get the funds to do it, I felt it appropriate!)

Having said that, my antennae were on high alert!  How dare he presume anything about her goals?

The thought that occurred to me was that because she had gray hairs, he presumed he did not have much work to do with her.

Finally, my friend said, “Well, I want to be able to walk for exercise. I love walking!”

At this point, the physical therapist became more engaged in her goals and began outlining activities and exercises to do and the remainder of the visit went well.

Nevertheless, it left me with the impression that because we are 65 and older, have gray hairs, all of a sudden, the bare minimum is offered to us, the bare minimum is expected of us, and the bare necessities of life will be shared with us!  If we accept this, we will evaporate with the air!  I realized in this experience, and in my podiatrist experience, that we do need to advocate for ourselves and for one another. If we don’t, we will be left in the dust.

I recall what my eldest daughter said upon my retirement three years ago, “Mom, maybe we should look into an apartment for you, maybe assisted living?”

SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not unproductive or useless because I am now 65 and retired.  In fact, I no longer say I am retired. I say I am a writer. Anything to avoid the WORD “retired!”

I am sure most of you are familiar with Clanmother, Rebecca Budd, the wonderful writer and photographer from Vancourver, British Colombia, Canada. (Her daily magnificent photographs and wonderful quotes are so inspiring! (http://celebrationart.blogspot.com/2015/03/60365)  She suggested that I read, Composing a Further Life by Catherine Bateson. I readily admit I did borrow the term “Adulthood Two” from her book. It is an interesting read and I am a fourth of the way through it. As my Second Adulthood continues, I will share my experiences. If you read the book, let me know what your thoughts are!

And, if there are good results tomorrow with my Orthopedic Surgeon, I will let you know!

 

 

Part ONE: Dislocated Toe and Adulthood Two!

This is just me, rambling on about my sensitivity to recent happenings in my life and the life of my friend.  You are forewarned, this is going to be a three part expose. For various reasons, I have found myself in a state of suspended animation regarding my life. I no longer am a teacher–after being an educator for 36 years. Yes, I love children and I miss the exchange I had with the middle school students during my last seven years as their Language Arts instructor. Now I am caring for my two grandchildren–which is giving me great joy.  In between times when they are off with one parent or the other, I attempt to write my thoughts and meanderings.

Last August, while the children were in the backyard, playing on the swing set, I was on a mission to curtail the invasion of the lilac roots, that seem as gargantuan and worrisome, albeit beautiful in the Spring, as the baobab trees on the planet of the Little Prince! I labored arduously on the roots—and with such intensity with the shovel that I managed to dislocate the second toe on my right foot!

However, having been born into the stubborn heritage that I was, post two months of icing and home care, with unsatisfactory results, I traveled to the doctor in October. An x-ray was taken. The physician on call said it was NOT broken –just bruised–and suggested ICING! Of course, feeling vindicated, I left the health service.

However, several months passed, and I was still limping along, although not quite as bad as Chester in the 1950’s Matt Dillon cowboy show. Finally, I had another x-ray in February. The Foot Doc told me unequivocally, “It is quite obvious your second toe is dislocated.”

Yikes! Then the worry set in. I have many steps to walk before I am finished on Mother Earth!

He suggested I return home and ice it for two weeks and then return to see him.  I thought to myself, “I have iced it for over five months already!” Regardless, my better sense was buried, the inborn elevation of the status of doctor in my brain kicked in,  and I did what he said.  Of course, now knowing it was dislocated, only added to my limp!

I returned to the Doctor two weeks later, and he said to me, “Well, your BIG toe has arthritis. You should wear orthotics.”

I thought to myself, “What about my dislocated toe?”

The doctor continued on, speaking about WHY the foot inserts in their office were superior to Wally World’s (my name for Wal-mart, and a sign of my great displeasure at having to shop there occasionally, when I have to decide whether to drive 50 miles more, consume more gas from our already beleaguered Mother Earth, to find what I want at another store or cater to the greedy establishment that underpays its workers!)—(pardon the digression).

Meanwhile, I am thinking to myself, “What ABOUT my toe?”

Very soon the disruption that I was feeling inside of my body, exploded out of my mouth in a torrent of words: “What about my dislocated toe? I may be 65 but I am NOT dead! I intend to run the Boston Marathon next year. I have two grandchildren I am running after 24 x 7! The last time I visited you, you said my second toe was dislocated.”

His response, “Well, many of the folks who come in here are sedentary and I didn’t know if you planned to lead a sedentary life.You know, sit back and read.”

Then my boiling temper went off, “No, I don’t know! (In response to his, “You know…”) I may be 65 but I am NOT dead! I intend to live to 121! and I am a very active person and not about to roll over and die!” To say, I was peeved, is to put it mildly.

Then he interjected, “Well, I can give you an injection that will reduce the swelling.”

I am thinking in my head, “MY toe is DISLOCATED! So what will an injection do to move the second metatarsal back to its proper location?”

Again, I was sidetracked. I succumbed to the injection, which was as painful as hell, and then I bought the orthotics, and left his office dismayed with my dislocated toe!

Part II –continuation of the sorry toe saga…and my irritation at society’s response that gray hair equals DEATH!

Catching the Wind in His Hand

Dedicated to Ayden

who joined me in writing this poem.

The title is Ayden’s creation.  Ayden is 7 years old and has a very tender and kind heart! 

IMAG3652_1

freedom is~

a child climbing a tree so high

lost in the branches touching the sky

the wind blowing through her hair

swaying back and forth without a care

freedom is~

walking through the grass knee high

lost in wonder and loving the why

moving forward with daring speed

he spins and moves as he needs

freedom is~

lying on the hillside and looking at the clouds

seeing the giraffe and hippo in the crowd

catching the wind in his hand

cartwheeling and doing a grand stand