Part II: Love and Forgiveness

“All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”Red Rose macro with Helen Keller quote

                                                         -Helen Keller

Love is the deepest and purest when it is freely given and received. It seems so many are afraid of openness. So many are afraid of love. Love enhances us and those we love. How can there be a limit to love?

The more open we are, of course, the more vulnerable we become. But the flip side is, if we are open the more we are truly ourselves and love who we are.  We are open because we accept our limitations and gifts.  We have nothing to fear and nothing to hide.  Love only increases within us and makes us Light Beings to others when we are open and receptive…and the more we can love those around us.  Loving one person does not limit loving others. If we do not measure our love or the love someone has for us, there is plenty of love to go around.  When we become possessive or jealous, we are measuring love. When we begin to measure love, we stifle it or kill it.  Measurement doesn’t come into the equation…we just need to love love and let it be.

Loving is not always easy. Sometimes those we love hurt us and sometimes hurt us deeply. That is the test of our true love–when we can walk through that hurt and still love and care about the person.  We are all human; we all make mistakes –I guess that is how people who are in major hand battle with each other, can come to the peace table, even after members of their own families have been killed by each other’s troops. Yes, that is the extreme–but does give pause for reflection.


Yet, I think how I wage my own inner battles that can be as devastating as actual combat warfare. I think of how people close to me and whom I love, can lash out with their words or actions and nearly annihilate me. That is the deepest hurt–to give love to another and then to be rejected –when deception enters the picture it becomes even harder–One begins to question one’s own sanity and motives. Self-worth is attacked and self-love struggles. Anger pops out all around–and the peace that was found in the love has gone underground. Love becomes hell. I just want to run away and hide from the world and I want everyone to leave me alone — and WHY? Because I feel like nothing again…like I do not matter to anyone or any cause or purpose. I travel to the point of WHY do I exist!

It is then that I realize my own words and actions—how out of my pain I have said things that were unkind to others…how I acted badly towards others. Sometimes I just want to quit. I think how can I ever be forgiven?

The wounds become deep and fester–I have to pick myself up and put the pieces together again. It is a process and takes time…And even after that, questions still arise. Judgments come from all around. Then I have to take it all to my meditation bench and quietly sift through it–going back to the Source of my breathing.  I have to affirm within myself that I am part of God’s loving being…I  ” live in the heart of God,” to borrow from Kahlil Gibran. It also teaches me to be more caring and loving to others, realizing how words and actions hurt. I see how I need forgiveness from others…and, so I too, must forgive.

I have to forgive myself for my own unloving ways and I have to forgive others –then I can go forward. We are all human. We all make errors in judgment. We each have our shadow side and we have to learn to love even our shadow side and forgive ourselves.

Helen Keller is quoted as saying, “All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”

Love deepens who we are as a person and each person we love becomes a part of who we are, shaping our understanding and acceptance of humanity, within ourselves and others. With love of self, both are good side and our shadow side, comes the ability to forgive ourselves and then others.


dreams have no age limits!

I discovered this quote on my Facebook page this evening…well, guess it is early morning! Oh my goodness…it is 12:42AM~  Oh well. This is a great thought to begin your day with! Retiring from teaching after 36 years was so difficult a transition…I am not quite down transitioning yet!  LOL  In any case, I think if we do not have a purpose, then we must create one! And this quote just seems to go with that idea perfectly!  So, forge ahead! You young people who think life has already passed you by—no! Never! Live your dream! Go for it! Give it all you have and don’t ever give up!

Even when the days get so dark and you think you have no one—you have yourself! You are your own best friend and there is no one else who can be there for you who will know exactly what you need than yourself! Yes, others are important in our lives—they teach us to how to BE…they love us…they give us their friendship…but in the end, YOU have to be for YOU! And, there is nothing wrong with that! You are in God’s LOVE—however, you imagine Her to BE! You are loved and you have a  breath…you have air to breathe…you have life to share.

YOU are IMPORTANT! Believe in yourself and never hurt yourself…because we would miss you! We need your LOVE CRYSTAL in our lives! Believe me…please! You have so much beauty and warmth…we need all the LOVE CRYSTALS we can gather!  The world needs YOU!  Yes, I mean YOU!

Just remember, ALWAYS give it one more try! Don’t give up…just give in to love….and know YOU are LOVE….and YOU live in LOVE…and we need LOVE CRYSTALS in this world!  There is so much suffering—give joy to yourself…and share it with the next person! YOU are so important!

And you people who are my ancient age, hey, YOU have a lot of life in you…you are still breathing, aren’t you?  I can tell you from my own experience of retiring unexpectedly—how weird it was! The day after I retired, inevitably one of my three daughters would call me or visit me and say, “Are you alright, Mom? Do you need something? What are you doing, Mom?”   Well, I was still breathing…lol…and I could *not* believe that in 24 hours time they were ready to write up my obituary! I have plenty of life remaining in me…and I have decided that I am NO LONGER RETIRED!

I am on a quest! I feel like the Madam Don Quixote—I find myself examining my moral principles and beliefs…my preconceptions about things…and misconceptions…and whether I should follow the chivalric code! Sometimes I even question my sanity!  However, since our country seems to have reverted to the feudalism of the Middle Ages, I may as well go along for the journey. I have a strange liking for Robin Hood as of late, especially when I think of the 1% and how their egos are so inflated they cannot see how they got to where they are–they have forgotten the peasants who did the labor!  I see our politicians as the Medieval Kings and Princes — who seem to pass laws that protect their assets, but do little to serve the general interests of the population! We certainly need a new Round Table with chivalrous knights! 26,000 sexual assaults took place in the USA Military last year!—wow—speak about reverting to a time when women were only important for one thing! My, how civilized we have become!

I am striving to live as a minimalist, and realize I have a distance to travel to achieve that goal. In addition to that, I decided I am going to write and write and write! I will write and be heard until the world leaders listen to us and take their job to represent US seriously!  US = America…USA.  I will write until world leaders everywhere listen to their people and stop using us to kill each other! I will write until people begin to see how guns are violent and how those manufacturers do not really care about your safety—they care only to fill their pockets with blood money.

I will write, and hopefully, you will join me, until every young girl and woman, knows it is her right to be respected and not used for sexual favors…that she has the right not to be raped! I will write until every homeless person has a home to live in.  I will write so that the mentally challenged are given a chance to be understood.

I will write until every child is respected as a human being and is not seen as someone who has no human rights…I will write until each child is seen as a gift and not a piece of property to be ordered around! I will write until every gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual person is respected as a true human being deserving to live like everyone else does! This is particularly on my mind this evening because I just read about a young man, 32 year old Mark Carson,  was walking down the street in New York City last Friday evening when a man came up to him and his friends, yelled “f—ot” and “queer,” and shot him in the head. WHY are we killing each other? WHY?

I will write until everyone sees that it does not matter which faith we believe in…it does not matter if someone thinks or believes in a different God or no God—what matters is that we love each other and keep love alive in this world!

Thus, this is my new purpose in life…to write for those who cannot write…to speak for those who cannot speak!

I will keep writing for hope, for beauty, for truth, for honesty, for love…because we have to do this! If we do not do it, who will?  We have to write to give people courage and hope and tell them there is beauty in this world…and we do care about them…each and every one!

And, to be perfectly honest, I need a purpose! Everyone does! And we can help each other in this! Encourage one another and keep those love crystals passing to one another!


Sue’s Suicide

Life of Mother EarthLove is the whole thing, We are only pieces,
Love is the sea of no end,
We are a drop of it.


“Prayer  is not asking.  It is a longing of the soul.  It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words, than words without a heart.”  –Mahatma Gandhi

My friend died.

Sue felt she could not longer cope with the rejection and loneliness of the world…and she took her own life.  Sue died last November  I do not know how to think about this…because she was in my life for three years. Each time I turn around in my house, I come upon something that was hers…a particular gift that she gave to me…a card that was lost and now found…her writing on letters…and then I think how I must have failed her.

I think about how she helped me build a closet in our basement…I think about how when my furnace did not work and she gave the serviceman the solution as to why…she was so knowledgeable!  I think about how she helped me drive the distance from Wisconsin to Arkansas to help my daughter. She went above and beyond the call of friendship.  Sue was there…and she would offer to help…always.

Sue did the same for the people in her neighborhood.  She would help anyone in need.  She never hesitated to listen to those who were rejected by others…the homeless–she would share her money with them immediately…the immigrant who had no friends…the old man at the corner bar who needed to tell his story.  Sue would listen…and give people a little of her time….precious time…and the person would feel so happy that someone listened.

Sue was a talented photographer. She was brave and courageous and hung her work in the cafes in Madison. We did that together…and now the walls are empty.

But I could not go the distance…and we parted ways.

Then in and out of my life, with emails here, phone calls there, she moved far away…and went on with her life. Again…rejection. Sue did have determination and persistence—she persevered in always trying to belong.  She was brought up Christian, then joined the Catholic Church, then their rejection did not help. Next, she sought Reiki and looked for healing there…and then also, someone rejected her. Next, she became a part of the Wiccan practice…there also…rejection.

I would  listen to all of these rejections!  How much can one person take? She gallantly tried ever so much! But the people…we the people did not respond…we were caught up in our own salvation…I was caught up in mine.

Then she met someone…I prayed it would work for them…then the news was not good. I do NOT blame the other person…I do NOT blame Sue.  Some times things just do not click…I know we each fight for our survival…our happiness…our peace…sometimes it works to share this quest with others, sometimes not.

I hesitated…I did not know if I should or shouldn’t interfere…not that I thought I could change the relationship status, but I thought I might be able to catch her when it happened…so she would not give-up.  I was afraid of where she might go with this …it was becoming critical…so I tried to reach her…emails went unanswered…phone calls not returned… I did not try hard enough.

Then it was too late.

Three months too late.

I found out on her birthday that she had ended her life three months earlier.  I had gone to wish her a happy birthday on her facebook page — for some reason it never dawned on me to try to speak to her on that infamous site — because we always wrote emails or spoke on the phone. ..see…more excuses coming into my brain…then that day, my facebook reminded me that it was her birthday…so I went there…and then seeing a birthday remark by someone else flipped the switch on and made me realize that she was gone!

That day was a horrible day for me.  I cried and cried…and still am crying for her loss and my stupidity.  I had no one to comfort me. But I felt I deserved that bit of alienation…that loneliness…because did I not cause that for her?

All that she wanted was to be loved…to be accepted for who she was…she had suffered so much in her life.  She was rejected by her family. She was threatened with losing her life by her ex-husband.  She searched and searched for groups to belong…

I did not let her belong either.

I was a coward.

I must live with that thought of excluding her…forever.

Today, again I realize, how words are so important…words that are felt should be spoken with gentleness and kindness…with always good intent.  What we say or do not say…the efforts that we make…or do not make…how much our individual speech and actions impact one another.

My prayer knows now that she is at peace and I speak to her…I call her name out to the universe…my prayer is also one of asking for forgiveness…for not being a stronger person…for not helping her when she needed me most…for not making her feel like she belonged.

I am NOT writing this for people to feel sorry for me, or to tell me “she would have done it anyway”…or to forgive myself…I am writing this to emphasize how important it is to act on our own intuition…to take the impulse and look at it seriously…I am writing this to say, I realize the impact of my words and my actions…and I take full responsibility for what I have done and not done…for what I have said and not said.

I only hope that I can be less judgmental and more loving…more compassionate and less distant.

I feel that so many of my WordPress followers are such good people. The more I read beyond the words of my fellow bloggers, the more I see the need for us to be there for each other. The more I realize that the presence and honesty of my fellow bloggers has sustained me through all of this.  Some of you have lived through powerfully, painful moments in time…your courage is amazing. The more I see and listen…the more I know how we have to honor the water crystal in each of us…so the bubble does not burst!


Hummingbird sing

Hummingbird you are free

Hummingbird you fly with a butterfly wing 

life water sea   

you swam with delight 

YOU  did your BEST 

you fought with all of your might 

YOU could not find rest 

you were too beautiful for this world

and so I send this prayer   

Ocean of Water bubbles impearled  

cleanse us…purify us if you dare  

help us to see each other  

help us to listen

help us to love sister and brother

help us to glisten

To go beyond ourselves to each other in need  

help us to return to our core 

the TRUTH within is the seed 

our wealthy store   

let us let go of our sins and errors  

and freely go to that treasure beneath our skin

water streaming down the river fare   

not allowing a backspin 

help us to go beyond our grief  

begin again

and find relief  

and do not offend 

we are what we think   

water cascading down the falls

free expression let us drink 

water is part of us all 

Water carry us home

Till we are one again

till LOVE becomes our foam

and sorrow has come to an end