And now…she is DEAD

Babbling

Babbling (Photo credit: Phillie Casablanca)

For ALL those who have been Abused by Those Who Wore the Holy Cloth. For ALL those who cannot understand what it does to a Child. Allow that CHILD to express his or her inner pain. Assure them and listen to them until they feel no shame. Protect the CHILD and hold them tenderly in your arms. Protect your CHILD and keep them from all harm. For those who have been abused…Do NOT allow the pain to continue…YOU are SOMEONE….YOU are a CHILD of GOD…You are LOVED…Yahweh holds you tenderly within!

The fateful night and day is long over

I, her student, she, my teacher…in the education clover

I saw her several times over the years

Though inside ravishing with tears

I sought her out to confront her

But in her presence, I was like the smoke of myrhh

She talked as though nothing had taken place between us

She spoke and we exchanged nods in a vacuum amid the buzz

Mostly, I listened…halfway… as she babbled on about her life

While at each visit, I sat and looked at her with hate amid my strife

Wanting to shout at  her what she did to my life, the loathing I felt for myself

Wanting to confront her, and tell her how my worth was put on a shelf

Alas, I could not bring myself to utter the words

My inner esteem crumbled to curds

Even then she held some power over my being

I did not want to hurt her, as she had hurt me, so it seemed

Yet, it was not love but fear

That kept me from throwing the spear

And now SHE is DEAD

And I am left with the threads

+

She got away with murder

Because she was a charmer

The boulder of her need

 Outweighed her love of me

Innocence was lost that night

Sucked out and destroyed on sight

Forty years my senior

She destroyed who I was with her demeanor

+

No one to counsel me

No one to set me free

On her merry way she went

Leaving me with my faith spent

Till anger built in me so

That to the Confessor I did go

Only to have the tomb placed on me

Defiled and rotten, his words to me

+

How much free rent did her deed take up in my brain?

How much did the inner confidence wane?

Each time authority came my way–

I felt diminished with no say.

My tongue was tied, frozen in place…

For myself, I could make no case.

How much power did I give her over the years?

How much joy did she steal from me amid all my tears?

How much fear did it bury me with?

How many times did I think I was nuclear waste–it was no myth.

While she bathed in the glory of those who loved her with glee

They feasted her on her 60th GOLDEN JUBILEE

A holy woman, a woman who dedicated herself to God

The paper gave her the column of praise…while through the dung I did plod

And now SHE is DEAD

I am left with the threads

Two years ago, I accidently saw her

Sitting in her wheelchair, coiled like an adder

Her brain frozen and she was still babbling on

I looked at her, no longer a pawn

And I felt nothing…no pity…nothing lefy to conjure

Her mind had been ravished by nature

She had the same condescending, sinister look…

She was a hollow being, even at ninety, an evil book

All the years of religiosity did not purify her

Even as helpless as she was, no remorse did it stir

She still held a disdainful look for all those about

Her false superiority came through her nonsensical words as she would shout

An apology would never come from her

She was an accomplished musician and still an anchor

For it was me who was tossed into the sea and drowned

The millstone hung so strong

By those who professed their faith many a day long

A charismatic teacher and loved by all

Inside she was hollow and empty, a useless call

And now SHE  is DEAD

And I …a worn thread

And now… AM  I FREE?

Can I loosen the grip she had on me?

Forgive but not forget

Frogive Forgive Forgive with no regret

For someone along the way must have hurt her

For someone along the way her senses blurred

And now SHE is DEAD

Wanting FREDOM in my heart and head

6 thoughts on “And now…she is DEAD

  1. Mary Jane Farrell says:

    A powerful purge and my hope is for grace for your soul to heal.

    Like

  2. This must have been so hard to write–also wishing for healing for you.

    Like

    • Yes, it was difficult to write, however, I wrote it because I have looked and looked for others who have suffered the same, in order to find out how they healed from it…but there is very little out there…and I can understand why…it is difficult to write about…but just expressing it has helped me feel better about it. My hope is that others who have suffered from sexual abuse, will gain strength from knowing that they are not alone and that we should never give up on ourselves, no matter how many condemn or misunderstand us. Some how we have to find peace in ourselves and I am closer to it now that I can understand the person who abused me acted out of her own deep suffering. With this knowledge, I can find compassion for her and for myself.

      Like

  3. nancys insurance says:

    Is this a Heavy reading or what. How Profound….Yeah YOu!!!

    Like

  4. Mich Smith says:

    Jane, it is beautiful and touching!!

    Like

  5. mary neckuty says:

    You rise above! The hurt,anquish,horror of it all, spilling out. You are strong and beautiful! Let God fill you with His/Her peace. There is no secret to hide anymore. The dead must answer for their deeds to the Almighty One. Walk in God’ light and rejoice for YOU are LOVED!

    Like

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